The Dead Cormorant Sketch
Found at Newhaven Harbour…
‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
We’re closin’ for lunch.
Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this cormorant what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Oh yes, the, uh, the Newhaven Blue…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.
Look, matey, I know a dead cormorant when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable bird, the Newhaven Blue, idn’it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
The plumage don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!
All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! ‘Ello, Mister Polly cormorant ! I’ve got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show…
‘ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!
Now that’s what I call a dead parrot.
No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!
Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Newhaven Blues stun easily, major.
Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That cormorant is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
No no! ‘E’s pining!
E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This cormorant is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-CORMORANT!!